My baby is about to finish school, turn 18 and go to Uni.
MY BABY.
While I had one offspring at Uni and one at school, I could kid myself that as long as I was still paying school fees, handing out lunch money, washing god-knows-what stains from uniforms, and getting (dreaded) phone calls from teachers, then I still had a 'child'.
But no more. That's it. I've finished Raising Children and am graduating completely, and somewhat begrudgingly, into the Parenting Young Adults zone.
For the last two years, as my Son grew from a clean-cut, fresh-faced, energetic schoolboy into a fully fledged, greasy-haired, pimply-faced, lazy Uni student, I have been in a Transitional Stage. I have been learning what it is to have a foot in both camps; parenting a young man - backing off, letting go, and keeping my mouth shut - while still technically 'mothering' a girl-child (even though her maturity levels have sometimes surpassed his).
2012 in particular has been an enlightening education, and I thought I'd share my transitional wisdom/mistakes/accidental success.
TRANSPORT
Daughter can barely find her way out of her own room in the mornings, let alone get to a location on the other side of the city. She is not driving yet (takes after her mother) and is reliant on other drivers, and therefore sees no need to observe her surroundings, know the names of any roads or suburbs, nor how long it will take to get anywhere. She buses to and from school, and it is a miracle that I have not yet received a call from her stating she is stranded at a bus stop somewhere on the Nullarbor because she wasn't paying attention and got on the wrong bus. Unfortunately we have looked after her too well in this regard, and she shows no sign yet of wanting to drive; partly as she's too short to see over the steering wheel, partly because she admits she would be an accident looking for a place to happen, and partly because she would then have to concentrate on where she's going. This will change suddenly when she starts Uni, as it did for our Son...
Son was handed bus/train tickets, a timetable, a car (he drives, obviously), and a street directory, and told to "Find your way". He still needs guidance/prompting/urging/shoving occasionally when he underestimates how long he will take to travel somewhere and leaves it a bit late, but he's learning. And he hasn't had a speeding ticket yet. Let's not discuss the two parking infringements.
PERMISSION
I got sick of signing permission slips from school about 4 years ago, and stopped reading them at about the same time. Permission for your child to be photographed, filmed, their work to be displayed, permission to go on excursions, go on a bus, go in a car, walk on their feet, to leave school early, to stay at school late, permission to sit, stand, fart. Bloody hell, I probably gave Daughter permission to watch an R rated movie for English at some point. Oh, that's right, I actually did. All that is coming to an abrupt end, hallelujah.
Less abrupt is the transition of gaining permission by the kids themselves. In gradual stages, the text messages changed from "
Can I go...?" to "
I am going... is that ok?" to "
I'm going..." to "
No, I won't be home for dinner, I'm out, didn't I tell you?" When this happens, just breathe, and be thankful you have one less mouth to feed. Unless of course you've already cooked the unwanted meal and it can't be recycled into leftovers. In which case you have
permission to yell at everybody.
CLOTHING
They quickly go from a set uniform - shirt, tie, jumper, blazer, skirt, tights, trousers, school shoes - to, well, whatever. They didn't have to think when getting dressed for school, now they do. As a transitioning parent, I've had to learn to hold my tongue and refrain from too many of the "
It's a bit warm, you'll swelter in jeans", "
It's quite chilly, you'll need a jacket", "
It looks like rain, you'd better grab an umbrella" statements, along with the all-time favourite, "
Is THAT what you're wearing??"
SLEEPING
While the schoolgirl still has a routine - crashes at pretty much the same time every night, gets up at the same time every day (at least on school days, I'm not counting holidays and weekends) - the Young Adult is a law unto himself. Nocturnal habits take over, bed time is more like my idea of what dawn looks like, and breakfast regularly gets eaten at 1pm. Sleeping has become a priority, and sleeping
through things - like alarms, phone calls, lectures and appointments with Uni counsellors - a rite of passage.
I have had to take a step back from memorizing his schedule, clock-watching and repeated wake-up calls, which I did in his first year, to not-giving-a-fuck. It's his problem now. I do, however, occasionally barge into his room and throw both the cat and the dog on his bed when I know he should be getting up, just to keep things interesting, though this is more for my own entertainment than for anything else.
FRIENDS
You see your own kids every day and the way you communicate evolves naturally (mostly) as they move from child to Young Adult, but this is not always the case with their friends. You don't see them every day and you forget they have grown up too. That 13 year old gangly girl with pigtails and braces that your daughter befriended in Year 8 is now a 6 foot tall stunner in a mini skirt and high heels. Calling her "Sweetie" just doesn't seem to work any more, and yet saying "
Rowwwrrrrrrr, hubba hubba" or "
Did you forget to put PANTS on, young lady?" seems inappropriate too. A happy medium of "
You look gorgeous, love" has become my fall-back line.
As for the males, the standard "
Hey, how you doin'?" seems like it will work for all eternity.
PARTIES
Throughout transition, parents must adjust to the parties attended or thrown by their children/Young Adults starting later and ending later, the music becoming less commercial and more unrecognisable, and the alcohol content getting higher. I have gradually reduced the pre-party lectures to a minimum, and replaced them with a post-party grin which says "
I told you so" without actually saying it (start practicing this grin in the mirror).
Sleepovers still occur, but no longer as an adolescent-Harry-Potter-movie-marathon-pyjama party; more as a means of crashing wherever you land and not having to worry about getting home until you have outstayed your welcome at 3pm the next day.
MONEY
We never put pressure on our kids to have part-time jobs while they were at school, and they never asked to. We were content to let them concentrate on schoolwork, sport and social lives, and they were content to let us pay for it all. I am still waiting for the transition period. So is my credit card.
STUDIES
This is a tricky one. You want them to do well and reach their full potential without hounding them like psycho parents (heaven forbid you play the 'Asian F' card), but the reality is that they have to want it for themselves too. You can't force it. The lesson here is to be chilled, at least on the outside. I have progressed from enquiring about homework and assignments, helping them, suggesting routines, clearing desks and setting up study zones for them, creating areas and atmospheres conducive to good study practices, doing research for them, checking their work, helping to edit where necessary, giving input, and worrying about them, to now asking "
Do you have any homework or assignments?", and then sticking my head in the fridge to look for the wine while not even listening to their answers. What I don't know, won't stress me (this attitude can also be applied to the subject of sex).
When the time comes for you, I hope you all graduate from Raising Children with honours, and embrace the Parenting Young Adults era with calmness, pragmatism, and wine. Always wine.
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| Congrats to me |
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